i know what i'm doing

i'm not sure where i'm going

i like to think i'm capable of lots of things. i'm not a quitter. i don't take hand outs. i'm very stubborn and continue to try to prove myself to everyone, even at the expensense of my health and my budget. i have too many people telling me to do too many different things.

i have a plan. let's see if it works. it was better than my previous plan. i have a big new bed in a house i enjoy in a city i love in which i have friends and people i know. why exchange that ALL just to have it a little bit easier?

watch me go

i've noticed that this month has been my least consistant for posting. i took this stress exhaustion test and the high was 50. i scored a 60. wonder what fixes it.. but then that's just another thing to add to my stress.

i saw garden state today. it was just how i expected it to be. the best word i can use to describe the film is "beautiful." just like that. the only thing that sucks is that you hafta close yer eyes for like 10 seconds on this one part. bleh. other than that, it's just an incredible movie. i wish they would have added the 1 more line at the very very end. and i dunno if i'm doing a spoiler here, but just to be safe i'll put a little warning. *spoiler* there. i don't think anybody reads this anyway. but i wish she woulda said "let's go home" or somethin like that at the end.

i really don't know what to write sometimes. it's like i'm laying in bed just staring at the ceiling, but i'm staring at a computer screen instead. i think too much. and no, i don't think of anything important. i try to write this blog like i'm not writing to anyone except myself. but then you wonder why you let the world read it. i'm still wondering why i do it. it's like a journal, but you get paranoid when you have a journal. you think someone's always gonna steal it from you and read it. this is just a voluntary "come read my journal" kinda thing isn't it? i've got this routine of locking my car doors every time i turn it off. so when i think back if i locked my car or not, i can't remember. i just assume that the routine kicked in and i locked it. it's not like there's anything good to steal from it anyway. unless people want random cds and trash off the floor, old mail here or there. it's time to stare at the ceiling some more.

life is sometimes a bit of a blur. especially when you find yourself in a vehicle full of bread and donuts, randomly littering all over the valley. long long story, so weird. i was kidnapped! but it was fun. i came back home muddy and tired, a victim of the unstoppable force of nature that is.. THEM.

i'm a bit down tonight cuz i spoke with my old friend for the last time in 2 years. voluntarily checking out. this post is my tribute to him. oh we're still best pals and i'll write him. one of my fav stories about my friend was when he showed up one day wearing this pink shirt that said "it takes studs to build houses." or that oatmeal festival 1984 shirt. or that one summer where all we did was drive around at night being bored. our lives were exactly the same. our adventures would end so anti-climatically. just like this post.

this is for you pal. heh

i'll be enforcing my policy of no talking about work while yer not at work. there's nothing to talk about. i went to the college today and gave em lots of money for a book. i'll go back and give em lots of money for tuition and a tiny parking sticker. i have no idea why i'm spending all my money for 1 stupid class. i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything really... : /

tonite went to the friend's house and hung around for a while. for a change we all ended up going outside and playing around the park. i ran a ton, felt like i was 10. this goes from everything like swinging on the swings to racing each other to playing cards to running through sprinklers, crack the whip and pushing each other over. i've still sorta got it in me. after that everyone went back to base camp and danced to a video game while i hung outside and layed on the sidewalk. it felt quite nice, despite my extra shirt layer to make me look like i had a cool edge to me. my friend and i find ourselves being more nostalgic than usual. in the back of our minds we know his days are voluntarily numbered.

went to the curiosa festival thingy last night. interpol just about killed us. i was expecting to just ascend into heaven after they played, but i held on. they were simply AMAZING. 9 songs. 40 minutes or so. for having lawn tickets, we had a great view. though the camera didn't want to agree. i scooted up pretty close to get a better pic, but still it's sorta hard to tell. we had to fight screaming our guts out cuz it woulda been useless and made us look like fools, out there in the lawn. so we just sat there going "oh paul... yer so cool... love.. paul.. cool."

to keep us entertained between acts we counted emo people! with an official tally. we counted 31 girls and 20 boys for a grand total of 51. and this is stopping while the bands played. it was very fun. after interpol graced us, we waited about 35 minutes then the cure came out. i wasn't expecting much. i was expecting a good light show. it was a pretty cool light show. but yeah, i got what i expected musically. they were REALLY boring. i enjoyed about 5-8 songs or so out of the 25. the cure's problem is that their songs are WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY TOO LONG. they each havea bout a 2 minute intro and like just keep going. he repeats the same line about 100 times in the song. all the songs end up being like 6 minutes+ we were tracking. one song was 8 minutes, another 11, another 7. and fans get bored with things that long. we looked around and most everyone was sitting down or leaving about halfway through. we left during the first encore to avoid traffic. so yeah. the pictures are far away and hard to tell. we got what we paid for, basically. i'll post my interpol pic and i'll post the cure pic after for all of THOSE fans. : /

and the cure. you can see like the little afro thingy.

lately i've been doing black and white photos with my camera. i like the feel of it. i try to test myself each week to do something over and over. this week i've been trying to snap pix using reflections. the only rule is that the camera can't be seen in the pic. sadly, the only subject around to photo is myself. so here's one of me, with no camera, in a reflection in black and white mode.

so that's that. last nite i couldn't sleep AT ALL. normally my house is chilled to the point where it feels like a refrigerator they keep cadavers in. Last nite it felt like i was boiling alive. so naturally, i couldn't sleep at all. when i can't sleep my brain thinks it's a good idea to create. it's bad to start your brain up thinking and concentrating and getting all riled up in the middle of the nite. it's harder to get back to sleep. the only good thing about stayin up and getting no sleep is that yer guaranteed to sleep like a log the next nite, until you have to get up at a horribly early time again. so last nite, i tried to create using the only tools available to me. my camera, and my lamp. i really don't remember taking this picture. however, i remember my dream was in german and i saw helicopters and i was looking through binoculars most of the time. weird stuff. hmmm. so yes. here's my ridiculous mod picture of my lamp at about 2am last nite. enjoy. and if you appreciate imagination and creativity, here's the oasis of brainwaves. http://libertyskids.tblog.com" title="http://libertyskids.tblog.com" target="_blank"http://libertyskids.tblog.com...

greetings. i say right now that the last 2 nights i've had have been just about the best of my year. last night i sat around playing video games with my close group of friends. we literally sat around for a portion of it LAUGHING at our on form of making entertainment. i think all of us were wiping away tears cuz we were laughing so hard. and tonight? i hung out with the older friends and my sister. we sat around for a while then the idea popped into my head that we should make a mock video of a future film. we all got up and busted out the video camera and drove around shooting movie things and having a blast. the voices and characters i heard were sooo funny. i found myself wiping away tears from the laughter. we came home and made this GET WELL movie with toys for our mono inflicted captain. that was so fun. it really doesn't sount like much, or it sounds weird but man i had a couple great nights.

oh and here's a snapshot of a banquet room at my work. i didn't have the flash on. i was totally focused on the chairs, and i had 1 light on. why'd it come out all blurry and white? spooky huh - this place isn't spooky --> http://libertyskids.tblog.com" title="http://libertyskids.tblog.com" target="_blank"http://libertyskids.tblog.com...

signed up for a spanish class and a general psychology class. now i just hafta figure out how i'm gonna pay outta my pocket for it. and i gotta see how much i'm paying EXACTLY. : / so yes. dang this isn't turning out to be a post at all. i've got a few days off coming up here. i'm caught up at work. i love jason falkner, coco, playing that stupid video game with my unemployed friends, what else? sleeping 10-12 hours whenever i can. i love listening to talk radio, though i won't say who cuz i don't get into those kinda things on here. i'm gonna bring my camera to work tomorrow and investigate the paranormal with it, though i'm not creeped out at all. you just feel some cold spots sometimes, it's weird. so bleh bleh. i found the greatest picture of all time. it's the best blackmail picture of my friend's little brother. i love it. it makes me laugh so hard! visit http:// libertyskids.tblog.com right there to see it. ;>

work is like a marathon. the second you punch in, that gun blasts and you go. that's how it was yesterday. or for anyone who's seen mr. mom it was like that. i had a dude fixing my elevator and then some guy come in and look at the telephone line, another lady was filling pitchers of water, i had people wondering about the air conditioning and all this stuff. it was crazy. but i had to sit there in my air conditionless office and laugh at the parallels between that and mr. mom, one of my fav movies. heh.

i absolutely hate school registration stuff. all those lines, all that hassle. the forms you fill out. the tests, the fees, the parking... *shudder* today i'm considering doing my placement test things so i can sign up for a spanish class and a beginner photography class. the photo class is one where i can get wasted by other hardcore photographers. but for now, i can just keep posting my little pictures here. and remind people that this is the place. http://libertyskids.tblog.com" title="http://libertyskids.tblog.com" target="_blank"http://libertyskids.tblog.com...

this one's for simon.

just thought i'd get a quick post here. just trying to get some stuff done this week and live through all the stress. i'm still reeling from the last few days at work. hoepfully i'll get back on track and everything will be in its right place. umm what else? with my day off i tried to make some head way on school crap. i enjoyed some time with friends. listened to some good music and stuff. and i took some pictures, why here's one.

i can't believe i'm about to document this. i sincerely never want to remember the night i just experienced.

i can say with the utmost confidence that i had the worst night i've ever had in my life. now, i might sound racist but i'm not. this is the solid truth of what happened to me. my hotel was hosting a reception for a mexican baptism. ok fine. 100 mexicans. hundreds of beer bottles. a DJ. this just isn't a combo that you ever want to be presented with. from 5pm-1am they played the worst music i've ever heard in my life. cantena music. like mexican polka. they played it VERY VERY loud. VERY. i told them MANY MANY times to turn it down or i'd pull the plug and kick them out. they'd turn it down then turn it back up minutes later. i had bosses mad at the noise. i had a potential serious problems with guests hearing music (but i stathed off that horrible situation.) we could have gotten in trouble legally with noise restrictions after 10pm. they just wouldn't turn down their horrible music. oh and on top of all this. NOBODY SPOKE A DECENT WORD OF ENGLISH. every time i came in to tell em to keep it down i KNOW they were insulting me in spanish. all night i carried out DRIPPY trash bags full of beer. all night i followed around their HORRIBLE children, telling them to behave. all night i CLEANED UP after them. and all the time there was this music. the wasn't 1 spot in the entire building that was safe from this music. it's LITERALLY unbearable. i never want to hear it EVER EVER again.

this is all a shame cuz i had a very good night last night and a good day today until 5pm on the dot. fortunately, i have mr. elliott smith to save me, musically. my psychological damage can be repaired eventually, through his music. right now, i feel so horrible that (and i can say this without being embarrassed) i could probably SOB myself to sleep. i'm physically sickened and mentally/emotionally EFFED and drained. i'm sorry i'm a little bit graphic here, but i told you it was the worst day ever and i can't believe i wrote it all down. anybody agree?  

today would be elliott smith's (my musical hero) 35 birthday. but umm he's only amongst us now in song form. *sigh* the greatest musician of our time. what a shame. http://www.sweetadeline.net" title="http://www.sweetadeline.net" target="_blank"http://www.sweetadeline.net

on an upper-ish note. i just got home from a late night function. it started out pretty crazy. people were eating like it was the last supper, only in party form. they were supposed to have chips and salsa, but the caterer forgot to bring em. so while she took off to go shopping, i was stuck there making chicken salad sandwiches for 100 starving people. i think i did more of the caterer's job than they did. i got out of there with 2 plates of fruit and meatballs. also got 30 bux in tips from the weird bartender. he claims he doesn't drink, yet he'll take a swig of an alcoholic beverage every now and then. his excuse: "i'm just testing it." umm yeah. i also told him that he should REALLY stop offering to have me "take a sip! be a man!" i've decided i despise the smell of alcohol. that crap freakin SMELLS. bad. bad. bleh! however, my bartender is observant and said i looked so nervous that if i smoked, i'd smoke over 3 packs a day. it's true, i pace too much.

i plan to bring my camera to work perhaps on the next shift to snap some photos and see if any white orbs are showing up. i'm gonna prove once and for all that ghosts are like girls to me. they just don't hang around me.

today, i reveal the answer reguarding the mystery photo. a lot of you were WARM, but didn't get it. However, somebody basically got it. That somebody, ironically was my own mother. She guessed it was the freeway at night. The picture was me waiting at a red light behind 1 car to get onto the freeway AT NITE. She wins. She wins after a small investigation to see whether or not my sister revealed the answer to her in advance, but i think she guessed it straight up. The prize? Perhaps a small picture package, and she may request up to 3 pictures she wishes to be taken, basically homework for me. Also, she gets to stay at my hotel for 2 nites at a discounted rate. heh. that's just cuz she's coming into town at the end of the month.

speaking of the hotel, i just got back a little bit ago. It was like a canadian lotion company or something weird. 100 of em. Those canadians wolfed down all the trail mix i had my eye on. However, i managed to get out of there with an unhealthy amount of doritos and a healthy amount of fruit and veggies. I got a 5 dollar tip from the bartender cuz the canadians didn't drink as much as we expected. Tomorrow will bring greater results, and more food.

Enjoy this pic i snapped yesterday of some tree before the huge storm hit. It looks fake, but i assure the world it's right outside my sister's place. go here for a laugh too. http://libertyskids.tblog.com" title="http://libertyskids.tblog.com" target="_blank"http://libertyskids.tblog.com...

today will be kinda cool. i'll post a pic and your job is to guess what the crap it is. i took it last nite. so you ppl will have til tomorrow or until someone guesses what it is before that. of course, krazedone is already disqualified cuz i told her what is was. heh. now, have at it! guess via comment.

wow, i really don't feel like writing at all today. i just got a call from my credit union asking me if i wanted to go and give my opinion on something for 2 hours for 50 bux, but unfortunately i'll be at work. so hmmm. i woulda done it too! now, they keep telling me the hotel is haunted. at least the downstairs. i'm not really downstairs. i can say it's haunted by a kitchen staff that plays spanish music all day now. and they all stare at me when i walk by, maybe it's cuz i'm all jangly from the keys that never leave me. i hate being jangly. if i had to define myself and my job, i'd say i'm a one man army. i have to do everything alone there. no crew, nothing. nobody to talk to. it's kind of like that when i go home at night. there's a few select who speak to me regularly, but i still feel like the 1 man army. i'm preparing myself to lose basically, my only friend when he gets shipped away to another country soon. it's really hard to find a best pal, somebody who comes through when you don't ask, somebody who clicks with all yer jokes and understands your frustrations and what not. somebody who i can punch while i sit on the edge of my seat while watching the village.

i get sentimental sometimes, but that's just cuz i'm deep. i don't even know how deep. i can say that the #1 thing i hate most in life is people asking me "what's wrong?" :< what's wrong? tell me! u can talk to me! blah blah. i hate it. and i hate when people assume things about me based on the reflections of my writing. it makes me not wanna write about my daily experiences. so hmm. in the end, i'm bored and i write anyway.

http://libertyskids.tblog.com" title="http://libertyskids.tblog.com" target="_blank"http://libertyskids.tblog.com... vote for this blog. it's where i make my millions. -i'd love to stay here and be normal, but it's just so overrated.-