stop sending letters, letters all get burned.

you know who you are.

sorry if this confuses anyone else.  

the human being can only suffer so much before it either A: fights back B: crumbles and tries to rebuild or C: dies. now, this isn't really on a physical level. more of an emotional or psychological level. i have to admit i'm one to make most people suffer for my amusement. like telling people how great a new album is and then not letting them listen to it. i find great joy in that for some reason. most people don't get deserve to listen to the stuff anyway. i made up a good analogy for the way my inner structure sort of works. mainly, my emotions and putting my heart on the line and what not. let's just say most people's hearts are always under construction. little workers building it back up til it's strong enough to pursue or invite. some workers just maintaining it for the sake of being 100%. i've come up with a time table and little fun analogies all about the heart. it feels encouraged and ready for another shredding once it hits 51% if i had to guess where mine is, i'd say like 46% however, i've now dressed all the workers in bullet proof vests and have advised them to shoot any visitors upon sight. they will trudge with their heads down until they know who to let through. sure, there will be accidents around the workplace and workers who get curious and leave their posts, leaving them open. but nothing big as of now. just tired of having funerals and paying expensive reconstruction costs. i've changed the work order, so to say.

my employee started today. and she's kinda weird. i'm also reported to that she plays a lot on her cell phone and fools with her ipod. which is ok-ish. but not on your first day. i'll have to give her a pep talk if her behavior persists. tomorrow's the last round of interviews for the week before we go on cruise control to make it through the weekend. i'm really gonna throw a curve ball to the interviewees tomorrow and they won't know what hit em. i plan on being very candid, very honest and straight forward, i'm gonna make em step up if they really want the job. they must impress me somehow. so that should be fun.

i wish tblog would have a 'writings' section for posts. that'd be kinda convenient rather than me having to figure out where to put each post in which section. this one will go in the relationships section. ha. it might be kind of out of place.

not sure where to start. not necessarily a big story, but i just have little bits of info here and there and try to organize them good enough. my coco graduated high school last nite (refer to her blog link on left) and every day i wait for her to move here. it would be much better for her in many ways, i think. i can't guarantee lots of things. like i worry about her putting all her chips on my hand (if this term makes sense, ye prefer eggs in my basket?) it's hard for me to take on 2 burdens, so to speak. but for this one, i'm willing to do whatever my resources grant me.

the employee i hired starts work officially tomorrow. so we'll she how she works out. she has the bizarre nickname of "nazi lady" cuz she has this totally hardcore "no crap" attitude. my kinda worker.

i can already tell that i wont be sleeping a wink tonight.

here is some great news to counteract the onslaught of recent bad news.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/television_fox_d c" title="http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/television_fox_d c" target="_blank"http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/te...

arrested development is the greatest show ever. watch it this season if you haven't started yet. you'll have a summer to prepare yourself. go buy the dvd set and everything.

however, i'm disturbed to find that my large tv i set up in the downstairs living room has gone missing. it's nowhere in the house. however, if we WERE robbed, wouldn't they take all the other valuable crap down there? i spoke to my landlord about it and he said we could work out some kind of reimbursment plan if the tv doesn't turn up. which is good, so i'll get to buy a new tv with s-video on it. muhahaha! good thing i have a trusty tiny backup tv to watch all that arrested development.

*update* the tv has mysteriously returned... i'm interested to see how this one is gonna turn out. if my suspicions were right, which i'm 95% sure they were, i think it's time somebody gets kicked out.

so today i went to the gas station and bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt for the donut. how bout i just give em the money and they give me the donut? we do not need to bring ink and paper into this. i just cannot imagine a scenario where i would have to prove that i bought a donut. this story is absolutely real. you may all witness here jason falkner personally responding to me, fatal fame on his message board.

http://jasonfalkner.com/newboard/viewtopic.php?t=56" title="http://jasonfalkner.com/newboard/viewtopic.php?t=56" target="_blank"http://jasonfalkner.com/newbo...

i am no longer a mortal.

we got screwed over in the single handed most unethical backhanded low move i've seen other human beings commit. my boss got it worse than me and it's almost comical how ridiculous some things are these days. i predict every line that everybody will say to me.

it rained for a week. stopped for  a day, but the clouds are coming back.

i work so hard and i'm so into what i do that i've given myself a stomach ache today, being tense. does that imply i work with intensity? sure. i have to adjust for the 90% coworker apathy ratio. i will document and explain this to myself for future reference when i hopefully look back and see how worried i was. picture these 3 things. mailroom supervisor position. it's #1, in the small world of minions that we are. #2 is like the vice president, they take care of the other workers in specific areas. then there's me. i'm one of those "other" people. however, i've risen to the status of top of the ladder. i've been there the longest out of the minions, sadly, that's only 6 months. turnover seems to be quite high for some obvious reasons and some un-obvious reasons. now, the situation goes something like this. #1 puts in their resignation. #2 is tipped to get the job. we're 90% sure on this one. unless something weird goes on. who replaces #2? this is where it's tricky. it should be me. it's basically what i'm doing right now, except i have to take care of the big picture, rather than focus on my own work. i'm already quite an expert, just have to brush up on some things here and there and i'll be unstoppable. i'm tipped to be moving up very soon. i just worry about so much that could screw me over on my way up.

due to some inspirational talks i've been having with the actual #2 person of the company, i've decided to make some personal and professional changes in my life. mainly, try to soften my edges. trying to understand my relationships, trying to work out differences and synergize. trying to have a good attitude and make other people feel good about their work and themselves. stuff like that. it's very hard for me, but i've actively applied some of these principles already in both my personal and professional life. my pride is an incredibly hard thing to conquer.

recently, i was sad to see 3 of my friends shun the opportunity to defend me in my absence. this draws on me emotionally when i need my friends the most. it's like trying to climb a mountain by yourself with nobody holding the rope for you, or some kind of analogy like that. this has lead me to take the focus off my personal life, my blog, my hobbies, my friends, and focus on my career. something i can rely on. try to improve that and give the rest of it a break. is this bad? i dunno. maybe i just strive for some purpose when i can only think of a couple things that had a big effect on me to believe this. the first instance of my brother and sister jokingly calling me "driftwood" lead me to believe i was, therefore triggering the demon in me to prove them wrong somehow. the next incident was someone telling me i had a dead end boring job. which made me laugh, cuz look at the opportunity i have now. only after 6 months. but it's not a bragging thing, it's just what's happened.

i can't promise to focus more on the blog or anything. not until i get everything stable. seek stability before you make your jump. in order to preserve your current relationship with someone, don't speak ill of them in their absence. it's better to be trusted and respected than to be liked. all of this profound stuff. sure. it sounds good to me these days. but in my spare time and on a less intense weird note, i'm listening to caesars, the decemberists, the natural history and a few other bands lately and i'm really enjoying them. they hit the spot on rainy days.