i was thinking today that there are a lot of misconceptions about me. what kind of image am i putting out? i've been judged/concieved a pothead, a slacker, a goody goody, the hardest worker, a stick in the mud, a rebel, lazy, a sadist, an evil manipulative jerk, and a do gooder. i think i've heard someone call me all of these. but what really am i? am i any of these things? am i all of em? i think i'm some of both. except the non working stuff, that's just totally untrue. i get super defensive about my work. must be the pride. but you gotta take pride in something, might as well be what you do most of your life. one of the best double takes i've seen in the past month was when the smarmy computer guy at our work made some crack about it's good for me to run across the room to answer the phone cuz i need it. or something. and my boss was standing behind me and he says to the computer guy "what the heck are you talking about? he runs like 5 miles a night." the computer guy mumbled something and crawled back to wherever he came from.

now, the 5 mile a night thing is pretty close. it's more like 3. but yeah. it's funny and frustrating at the same time to see what people think about me. or see how little they actually know about me. should this be taken as insecurity that i'm asking these questions to myself? maybe. but maybe insecurity is only real if you ask the questions aloud. everyone has doubts about everything. it's just how well you hide em that makes you look confident and the more confident you are, the more double takes you'll get.

there's really nothing to do at all. waiting to see the decemberists on conan. it's a big night for indie pop, especially if they play the right song and nail it. i'm running 1 experiment at the moment. i wonder how it's gonna turn out. i've got a lot on my mind at once. doing all this research at work. hafta prove all this crap to get a raise. mindblowingly weird math and statistics. but basically so far i've discovered it do about 60% more work than the average worker. so basically it takes 1.75 people to replace me. or something... and cuz i work so fast i end up saving the company about 50 dollars a day doing whatever it is i'm doing. not bragging. the stats don't lie. i was kinda embarrassed, meself. actually, not really. i knew i worked hard. now i have proof. i'll write in once i find out what the results of the great experiment are. and maybe i'll write what it is. i can say it's failing, so far.

this post is really crappy, i just decided.

pretty quick week. the days at work have been dragging lately. nothing's been coming through the door so it creates this weird stress of having to find work for people. but it's the weekend and i'm not thinking about any of that. i've been running 4 nights a week an average of 3 miles per night. it sux, but at least i'm not so sore anymore. i wrote some post on the 4th of july but tblog was quite unstable yet again at the time, and well.. it got lost in cyberspace. tonight we did the 4 day late 4th of july dead like me junk out q-claw extravaganza. it wasn't planned to well. we ended up with 3 people, 20 burritos, too much dip, and not a whole lot of appetite to down it all. so gross. the lady in the grocery store line asked us "how are you guys doin tonight?" my reply was simple and honest "we're gonna be really sick..." and yeah, the one dollar bet at the very end of the night ended up being so gross. paid travis that dirty money to mop up his sweat with a burrito and then... *avert your eyes if you get sick easily* eat the burrito. sure enough, he did. with the now world famous quote of "eww.. it tastes like me."

here's a picture of me and travis doing our "band photo pose"

i was recently asked by a pretty much random person what i do with my spare time. they asked more like.. "what does everyone do if they're not on drugs?" so me, being a drug free soul was qualified to answer. and my reply was something on a semi rant, but i'd like to call it more of an observation..

spare time.. after work.. i usually stay later at work because i hate going home. there's nothing to do and my roommates are loud and retarded and ALWAYS in the same place doing the same thing. it makes me furious and sad and thirst for their blood, basically. eww maybe not that. but i wish for their painful deaths. anyway... on regular days in my spare time i find some time to play on the guitar, recently i've been browsing through message boards cuz you can find some cool stuff sometimes on band boards like leaks/bootlegs/whatev.. i try to keep in touch with family and acquaintances.  i hang out with my 'friends' once a week usually. i sometimes lay around and wallow in my own misery. this isn't really much of a woe is me thing. just more of a state of exhaustion. i go to movies. i run about 3 miles a night 4 nights a week. catch up on brilliant cancelled tv shows. write. read. that kinda junk. it's weird thinking about your mundane activities, yet it intrigues me so.

but what's the point of listing what we do? if we wanted to be productive or profound we could list what we do and then list things you can improve or change about your crappy life. or we could just stick to the misery. just a thought. i for one would like to make new friends in my regular life. all my friends are now gone or ignorant leeches. seems everywhere i turn, i'm surrounded by just.. ignorant people. people who don't realize anybody else in the world but them exists. it's become so bad that they can even literally run right into you without noticing you're standing there. i'm taking another sentence to remind everyone that this is an observation, not a rant. it's just something that dawned on me. everybody i know is totally selfish. i admit i watch out for #1. but when it comes down to it, i can take a step back and see the big picture and do the right thing even though it may not benefit me in any way. i've done this on numerous occations though a lot of people would say otherwise. my selfish ways out number the good ways, but i'm not a monk or something. i just wish other people weren't so driven by lust and selfishness and all that junk. they seem totally consumed. and i'm not talking about a national level. this is on a personal level. what i see every day. i could care less about what the rest of the universe is doing most of the time. why can't we all just ignore each other but respect each other at the same time too? an entire world of people like me...? that'd be another one for my ego.

after speaking to 4 out of 5 members of blanche on the phone last night, i can conclusively say i'm a changed man. they were very nice and most of the time i couldn't manage to say much anything interesting. i said something like "you rock the pedal steel, man." to feeny. i asked tracee if she realized we were the biggest blanche fans in the universe. and she said something like "yeah, it sounds like you are. yep." i asked little jack if he'd touched the hand of jack white. and he said "yeah, i guess i have." we didn't get to speak to little lisa jaybird jannon. but, everything else quite made up for it. my precious coco got the sweeter end of the deal with them giving her some blanche trading cards and a shirt in transit for me. she didn't get to go into the 21+ club, but blanche came out afterwards and played her a 4 or so set song. bluebird, superstition, irene, and possibly another new one. she said she couldn't hear very well cuz it was outside. being that she was about 5 feet away from them, i find this hard to believe. but wow. what an incredible night to talk to a group of people you collectively worship. travis and i were shaking and at one point in the phone conversations i had to pass travis the phone while i was dry heaving and unable to speak. this is all very real. it sounds ridiculous and funny, but so true. afterwards, we sat around in a stunned silence analyzing our converesation wondering if we said anything embarrassing or regretable. travis only regrets that he didn't ask who the old people in the 'someday' video were. i myself have no regrets. it was a surreal, insane night.

when you receive these pictures on your phone, you have a right to be physically jealous, as i was. to become more familiar with blanche, please visit the link on the left side of the blog.

a picture of the car. more fancy ones to come. but my camera ran outta batteries. : /

today is 6/20/05 and i decided to buy the car today. i refused to hit their 'we made a sale' ceremonail gong. i resisted all their evil peer pressure and added warranties. i'm not one to bow to anyone. the car feels weird. like it's not mine. it's like i'm on some extra long test drive. i think the hardest part will be making that sickening feeling of me spending all my money to go away. i'll take pictures of the thing when i have time this week. my brother and sister say it fits me. they like it. now, i just needa turn 25 or get married to make insurance cheaper. that'll help.

so my brother officially moved back today as well. i helped him unpack a few things. i really like his place. it's roomy yet cozy. good lighting, cool knick nacks everywhere to make the place feel original too. i'm planning on setting aside a night to go run with him each week. and i'm also setting aside a night each week to hang out with my sis and go to the driving range or something.

i've also started enforcing my idiot comments policy. they shall all be deleted both from the blog and from my memory. however, if they continue to persist, i shall be forced to take higher action and create a brand new blog and leave them out of it. how's that? yessss i am that stubborn. but for now, i won't let it bug me. it's just a waste of people's time to make weird comments that have no effect on me.

went and golfed today. the best shot i had is when i botched a 9 iron shot into the green and it rolled a foot away from the cup. almost made an eagle. we took the guys from work and they all had a good time. except it turned out this mild mannered guy from our work had the mouth like unto a toilet and cursed up a thunderstorm if he ever screwed up. but man he could hit the ball far when he didn't screw up. after that i went over to tom's and he changed the oil in my car and we hung out and his mom offered me basically every drink in their house. water, powerade, coffee, tea, BEER (umm no thanks i'm not old enough and it's gross.) root beer, water again, water again. she eventually gave me a second bottle of water. nice lady but kinda strange. and everyone in the entire family was smoking except me and tom. his family and their extended family all totally love me somehow. it's like all the good by the book families hate me, and tom's drinking smoking family loves me. i dun get how that works. but yeah. it was an ok day. now i'm off to visit my old boss since i haven't spoken with her in like 6 months and owe her that visit.

all "mean" anonymous comments will not be tolerated. even if they're jokes. it's just retarded to put your time and efforts into making my brow furrow. and if you hate me, at least be cool enough to tell me who you are and why. none of these mystery comments.

my car is officially 'for sale' as of tonight. all you interested utah bloggers pm me for details ;> i'll say it's $999 obo and runs quite well, actually.

liesel is moving to california in a couple days and she already (if she's not a huge idiot) can see JUDE on the 18th in la. AND (this is the part that makes me violently ill) she gets to see BLANCHE. TWO DAYS IN A ROW. let me repeat that. SHE GETS TO SEE BLANCHE... TWO DAYS IN A ROW. now i am THE BIGGEST BLANCHE FAN IN THE WORLD. the jealousy is so intense that i'm physically sickened thinking about this. however, i've advised her to buy me a shirt and have dan miller bless and sign it. or even a feeny signature will do. either way i'm sure i'll be a translated, enlightened garbage picker.

oh and i wont go too into the details but i've likened my entire workplace to be all analogies of episode III, in as non dorky way as possible. i, of course play the role of anakin, the young confused jedi who is untrusted and toys with the dark side. ok i'm off.

today i asked my boss if she liked blackbird. "what's that?" she asked me. "umm.. that beatles song." i said. "oh, i dunno it. i'm not really into the beatles." that's what she said. now i'm not a beatles freak or a huge fan myself. but you HAVE to know the beatles and you HAVE to know blackbird. it's like.. hmm. yeah. it was crazy. so i busted out the ipod and had her listen to it. the awesome thing about an ipod is that at any instant you can share any song in the world with whoever you want. "have you heard that song? no? i've got it right here." it's perfect.

on wednesday we're supposed to have a summer bbq for work. i convinced the higher ups to let us go to a park rather than having a bbq in an office. they figured this was prolly a good suggestion. plus i think my offer of frisbee had some leverage. i also said for ever 10 cents on the hourly wage they raised me, it would = 20 minutes of hardcore frisbee time. i think it'll work. i actually think they're planning on raising my wage since i've taken on 90% of the responsibilities of my boss and she's taken on all this other stuff herself. it only makes sense.

i signed up for a couple college classes this week and now i needa go over em with a counselor to see that i'm starting everything out right. i needa make sure to get this stuff all done. however, the batman movie might get in my way. we've got plans to see that on wednesday. it seems like i'm the only human in the world that knows it's opening on wednesday. so at least the theater won't be crowded. it will be a nice pay day. now all this upbeat sounding news just has to last me through... umm august. yes. that should do it.

the 4dlmdbbbqe is tomorrow night. it's fun to have something like that to look forward to. i wasn't able to attend jen's bi-annual school induced bonfire, at least i think they're bi-annual. i was out running around all night doing stuff. so very tired. but then i come home and don't rest up properly, then get up the next day and do it allll over againnnn.

i was shocked to see jack white married some model named karen elson. she starred in the blue orchid video. she's pretty good lookin (for a girl) and that's your white stripes joke. i don't swing that way for the joke impaired. however, jack claims they were married on a canoe where 3 rivers met together in south america. which i think is a lie. jack likes the weird myths and has a thing with 3s. plus they said it was jack's first marriage, and everyone knows that's a lie. it's just so weird to have meg be his maid of honor and have her on the canoe with him. what's that like watching your ex spouse getting remarried right in front of you? they're weird.

speaking of weird. it's been brought to my attention that I'M weird. what the heck? i'm weird? i know i'm different and original. i'm FRESH. not weird. but EVERYONE has agreed to me being weird. weird people are just.. weird. like it's the perfect word to describe em. they're just odd to be around. but i really don't feel like one of those people. i think i'm misunderstood and have a diff sense of humor than a lot of people and i do weird things and have really focused interests in music and stuff. but it doesn't make me one of THOSE weird people. the thing that bugs me about weird is that it's neither good nor bad with the ladies. it's just... neutral. it's like being told you smell like a boy. it's neither good nor bad. you just have a boy smell. i guess i'd rather smell neutral than smell like a girl. ok, now i'm weirding myself out.

i worry about so much crap. on the surface i'm always calm and cool but underneat i'm always plotting my next move and planning for "what ifs" just an example of the retarded thing that kept me up last nite. i tossed and turned wondering how i'd move my bed and desk if i ever moved. wondering who had a truck i could borrow. how retarded is this? i have no current plans to move. it's really weird. so i'm pretty sure i have an ulcer. or maybe there's a medical term for "constant stomach ache syndrome" maybe that's what i'll name it.

im excited to see my brother got his old job back, sorta. he'll be filling the position his old manager left vacant. so it'll be good for him to come back "home." milwaukee gamble paid off. it only took 18 months or so.

the friday night shindig is just a couple days away. i wonder how that'll be. and work is kinda crazy. hiring people to fill in some future positions. i worry about my team in the near future, we'll be down 2 vets and we'll have to start fresh with new people who's resumes really dont impress me. but i guess they took a risk on me and it paid off.

stop sending letters, letters all get burned.

you know who you are.

sorry if this confuses anyone else.  

the human being can only suffer so much before it either A: fights back B: crumbles and tries to rebuild or C: dies. now, this isn't really on a physical level. more of an emotional or psychological level. i have to admit i'm one to make most people suffer for my amusement. like telling people how great a new album is and then not letting them listen to it. i find great joy in that for some reason. most people don't get deserve to listen to the stuff anyway. i made up a good analogy for the way my inner structure sort of works. mainly, my emotions and putting my heart on the line and what not. let's just say most people's hearts are always under construction. little workers building it back up til it's strong enough to pursue or invite. some workers just maintaining it for the sake of being 100%. i've come up with a time table and little fun analogies all about the heart. it feels encouraged and ready for another shredding once it hits 51% if i had to guess where mine is, i'd say like 46% however, i've now dressed all the workers in bullet proof vests and have advised them to shoot any visitors upon sight. they will trudge with their heads down until they know who to let through. sure, there will be accidents around the workplace and workers who get curious and leave their posts, leaving them open. but nothing big as of now. just tired of having funerals and paying expensive reconstruction costs. i've changed the work order, so to say.

my employee started today. and she's kinda weird. i'm also reported to that she plays a lot on her cell phone and fools with her ipod. which is ok-ish. but not on your first day. i'll have to give her a pep talk if her behavior persists. tomorrow's the last round of interviews for the week before we go on cruise control to make it through the weekend. i'm really gonna throw a curve ball to the interviewees tomorrow and they won't know what hit em. i plan on being very candid, very honest and straight forward, i'm gonna make em step up if they really want the job. they must impress me somehow. so that should be fun.

i wish tblog would have a 'writings' section for posts. that'd be kinda convenient rather than me having to figure out where to put each post in which section. this one will go in the relationships section. ha. it might be kind of out of place.

not sure where to start. not necessarily a big story, but i just have little bits of info here and there and try to organize them good enough. my coco graduated high school last nite (refer to her blog link on left) and every day i wait for her to move here. it would be much better for her in many ways, i think. i can't guarantee lots of things. like i worry about her putting all her chips on my hand (if this term makes sense, ye prefer eggs in my basket?) it's hard for me to take on 2 burdens, so to speak. but for this one, i'm willing to do whatever my resources grant me.

the employee i hired starts work officially tomorrow. so we'll she how she works out. she has the bizarre nickname of "nazi lady" cuz she has this totally hardcore "no crap" attitude. my kinda worker.

i can already tell that i wont be sleeping a wink tonight.

here is some great news to counteract the onslaught of recent bad news.

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arrested development is the greatest show ever. watch it this season if you haven't started yet. you'll have a summer to prepare yourself. go buy the dvd set and everything.

however, i'm disturbed to find that my large tv i set up in the downstairs living room has gone missing. it's nowhere in the house. however, if we WERE robbed, wouldn't they take all the other valuable crap down there? i spoke to my landlord about it and he said we could work out some kind of reimbursment plan if the tv doesn't turn up. which is good, so i'll get to buy a new tv with s-video on it. muhahaha! good thing i have a trusty tiny backup tv to watch all that arrested development.

*update* the tv has mysteriously returned... i'm interested to see how this one is gonna turn out. if my suspicions were right, which i'm 95% sure they were, i think it's time somebody gets kicked out.

so today i went to the gas station and bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt for the donut. how bout i just give em the money and they give me the donut? we do not need to bring ink and paper into this. i just cannot imagine a scenario where i would have to prove that i bought a donut. this story is absolutely real. you may all witness here jason falkner personally responding to me, fatal fame on his message board.

http://jasonfalkner.com/newboard/viewtopic.php?t=56" title="http://jasonfalkner.com/newboard/viewtopic.php?t=56" target="_blank"http://jasonfalkner.com/newbo...

i am no longer a mortal.

we got screwed over in the single handed most unethical backhanded low move i've seen other human beings commit. my boss got it worse than me and it's almost comical how ridiculous some things are these days. i predict every line that everybody will say to me.

it rained for a week. stopped for  a day, but the clouds are coming back.

i work so hard and i'm so into what i do that i've given myself a stomach ache today, being tense. does that imply i work with intensity? sure. i have to adjust for the 90% coworker apathy ratio. i will document and explain this to myself for future reference when i hopefully look back and see how worried i was. picture these 3 things. mailroom supervisor position. it's #1, in the small world of minions that we are. #2 is like the vice president, they take care of the other workers in specific areas. then there's me. i'm one of those "other" people. however, i've risen to the status of top of the ladder. i've been there the longest out of the minions, sadly, that's only 6 months. turnover seems to be quite high for some obvious reasons and some un-obvious reasons. now, the situation goes something like this. #1 puts in their resignation. #2 is tipped to get the job. we're 90% sure on this one. unless something weird goes on. who replaces #2? this is where it's tricky. it should be me. it's basically what i'm doing right now, except i have to take care of the big picture, rather than focus on my own work. i'm already quite an expert, just have to brush up on some things here and there and i'll be unstoppable. i'm tipped to be moving up very soon. i just worry about so much that could screw me over on my way up.

due to some inspirational talks i've been having with the actual #2 person of the company, i've decided to make some personal and professional changes in my life. mainly, try to soften my edges. trying to understand my relationships, trying to work out differences and synergize. trying to have a good attitude and make other people feel good about their work and themselves. stuff like that. it's very hard for me, but i've actively applied some of these principles already in both my personal and professional life. my pride is an incredibly hard thing to conquer.

recently, i was sad to see 3 of my friends shun the opportunity to defend me in my absence. this draws on me emotionally when i need my friends the most. it's like trying to climb a mountain by yourself with nobody holding the rope for you, or some kind of analogy like that. this has lead me to take the focus off my personal life, my blog, my hobbies, my friends, and focus on my career. something i can rely on. try to improve that and give the rest of it a break. is this bad? i dunno. maybe i just strive for some purpose when i can only think of a couple things that had a big effect on me to believe this. the first instance of my brother and sister jokingly calling me "driftwood" lead me to believe i was, therefore triggering the demon in me to prove them wrong somehow. the next incident was someone telling me i had a dead end boring job. which made me laugh, cuz look at the opportunity i have now. only after 6 months. but it's not a bragging thing, it's just what's happened.

i can't promise to focus more on the blog or anything. not until i get everything stable. seek stability before you make your jump. in order to preserve your current relationship with someone, don't speak ill of them in their absence. it's better to be trusted and respected than to be liked. all of this profound stuff. sure. it sounds good to me these days. but in my spare time and on a less intense weird note, i'm listening to caesars, the decemberists, the natural history and a few other bands lately and i'm really enjoying them. they hit the spot on rainy days.